While the Harley's Away
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Harley goes away for the weekend to attend her parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary party in Brooklyn, leaving the Joker behind in Gotham, on her parents' request. She asks Jonathan Crane to look in on Joker to make sure he doesn't follow her, and doesn't get up to any trouble. Unfortunately for both of them, that's not the Joker's MO.
1. Chapter 1

**While the Harley's Away**

"I'm just saying, it's all about sex," announced the Joker in the Rec Room at Arkham Asylum.

"Right, now who's the nymphomaniac?" demanded Harley Quinn.

"Yeah, I think you've been talking to Harley, Dr. Leland, or some of the other whitecoats too much, J," commented Two-Face. "You're coming up with some pretty wild theories – they're worthy of the shrinks."

"It's not a wild theory – it's perfectly sound," retorted the Joker. "How else do you explain my clown-related sexual urges?"

"I didn't know you had any sexual urges," retorted Poison Ivy. "Certainly not clown-related if you do – more Bat-related."

"Cute, Weed Lady, but I know Harley has gossiped to you about our sex life so that you probably know a lot more than you ever wanted to know," said Joker, smiling at her. "I'm just saying, my persona is obviously related in some way to my sexual fetishes, and I think that's true for all of us. Harley and me are both into clowns. You're into plants, in more ways than one…"

"For the last time, I don't have sex with plants!" snapped Ivy.

"Oh c'mon, you've gossiped to Harley about your sex life too!" snapped Joker. "Don't think she didn't share the embarrassing stuff with me!"

"So explain me," said Two-Face. "How does the two thing relate to my sex life?"

"Well, you do hook up with the Weed Lady, and she's two-faced!" said the Joker, grinning. He laughed hysterically, raising his hand. "C'mon, that was great! Don't leave me hanging!"

Two-Face just glared at him, as did Harley and Ivy. "Hatty, gimme five!" shouted Joker, as Jervis Tetch entered the room followed by Jonathan Crane.

"Five of what?" asked Tetch, puzzled.

"A high five, genius," snapped Joker. "I just burned Pammie!"

"And you're seeking some form of peer validation for your wit, is that it?" asked Crane. "One would think a real wit wouldn't need that."

"What, like you?" asked Joker. "The last thing you burned was probably that time you set yourself on fire with your own straw! And speaking of things on fire, gimme some!" he said, raising his hand again in expectation of another high five. No one obliged him. "You know, you all are a bunch of humorless losers," declared Joker. "I dunno why I waste my time with you sad sacks when you can't appreciate a perfectly good joke."

"Harley, you have a letter," said Dr. Leland, entering the room at that moment.

"Doc, back me up here," said Joker, turning to her. "Do you think we all act the way we do because of subconscious sexual urges which manifest themselves in our personalities?"

"Well, that would be the Freudian reading," agreed Dr. Leland. "But modern psychiatry challenges a lot of his conclusions. My theory is that you're all the way you are because of individual traumas which you haven't been able to move on from. You and your accident, Joker, Harley and her mad infatuation with you, Ivy and her betrayal by Jason Woodrue, Harvey and his accident, Jonathan and his childhood bullying, and Jervis and his unrequited love. Rather than trying to come to terms with these things, you instead exaggerate their importance so they become obsessions, and eventually your entire identity. Basically, you're all a bunch of drama queens."

Everyone began protesting loudly at this, further proving Dr. Leland's point, as she headed for the door with a smile. "Will you all button your yaps?" demanded Harley, waving her hand. "I'm trying to read here!"

"Who's the letter from, pooh?" asked Joker, trying to glance over her shoulder.

"Mom and Dad," said Harley, scanning it with a frown on her face. "They're having their thirtieth wedding anniversary party this weekend, and they want me to come if I can. I guess I can bust outta here by then."

"That sounds like a laugh riot," said Joker, beaming. "We'd love to crash their party!"

"I don't think they want us to crash it," retorted Harley. "You're explicitly not invited."

Joker laughed. "Nice joke, Harl," he said, seizing the letter from her. "Hey…wait a minute…it's not a joke," he said, reading it. "Your Mom's written, 'We'd very much prefer if you were unaccompanied,' and your Father's written in the margins, 'That means under no circumstances are you to bring that abusive psychopath you call your boyfriend.'"

Joker's smile fell. "Well, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little offended," he said. "I thought the last time we met, your parents and I had come to some understanding."

"I don't think it's personal - I mostly think they don't trust you not to cause a scene," said Harley, looking up at him. "And because I know you a lot better than they do, neither do I."

"Fine, we won't go, then," muttered Joker. "I just hate refusing invitations to a party though – I feel like such a party pooper. That's the definition of everything I hate."

"I'm going, Mr. J," said Harley. "You're not."

Everyone in the Rec Room stared at her in disbelief. They had never heard Harley speak in such a stern, no-nonsense tone to the Joker. And they had never heard her order him around. No one looked more shocked than Joker himself.

"Harley…I'll be going if I want to go," he said, slowly. "Because I'm in charge of what I do, and nobody tells me what to do and don't do."

"I'm telling you you're not going," retorted Harley, in the same stern tone. "Believe me, my relationship with my parents is fragile at best, and the last thing I need is you ruining their big anniversary party so that they never speak to me again. So you're not going anywhere near it. You're going to stay home."

"Alone?" demanded Joker. "I most certainly am not! I get bored without an audience, and boredom is something I absolutely will not tolerate! Besides, who will do all the menial tasks like cooking and cleaning for me?"

"You'll just have to cope, Mr. J," said Harley. "You coped before I came into the picture, after all."

"I did better than cope!" snapped Joker. "I flourished! Then you waltzed in and started cramping my style! Well, I don't need you, sweetheart! Yeah, go off without me, see if I care! I can do just fine on my own!"

"Great," said Harley, smiling and standing up. "I'll RSVP right now and tell them I'm coming alone. I'll tell Mom and Dad you said hi," she said, heading back to her cell.

Everyone stared after her, and then turned to Joker. "What are you all looking at?" he demanded.

"You got told, J," said Ivy, grinning at him. "It's so refreshing to see Harley stand up for herself like that. I honestly didn't know she had it in her."

"I didn't get told!" snapped Joker. "I didn't wanna go to some stupid wedding anniversary anyway! I'd probably be bored outta my skull, all those speeches and glad-handing and crap! I'm not going because I don't wanna, not because Harley told me I couldn't! I'm my own man, and nobody tells me what I can and can't do! Believe me, if I wanted to go, I'd be there! Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go gouge out one of the cafeteria staff's eyes with a spoon, for funsies."

"He's just doing that to reassert his masculinity after Harley whipped him good," said Two-Face, smiling as Joker left.

"She's absolutely magnificent," sighed Crane. "I grow more in love with her every day."

Everyone turned to stare at him. "I mean…more in awe, not more in love," he stammered. "I didn't say love. I said awe. You all must have misheard me. Excuse me," he said, hurrying over to the bookcase.

"Psst, Johnny!" whispered a voice. He turned to see Harley standing in the doorway, beckoning him over. "I was waiting for Mr. J to leave before I spoke to you," she said. "It's kinda important, and I don't want him overhearing it."

"Oh…yes?" stammered Crane, not daring to hope that all his dreams were about to come true.

"I was just wondering, since you're such a good friend, if you could do me a super huge favor," said Harley, batting her big, baby blue eyes at him.

"Anything, my dear," he gasped.

"Well, I hate leaving Mr. J on his own – he's only gonna get into trouble, and I don't trust him not to try and show up at the anniversary party anyway just to spite me when he realizes I've used reverse psychology on him," said Harley. "I was wondering if you could keep an eye on him while I'm away, just to make sure he stays outta trouble."

Crane stared at her. "You mean…sort of…babysit him?"

"Yeah, that's it exactly," said Harley, beaming. "He needs someone to look after him, poor guy. I mean, despite all his talk about being independent and not needing me, he's really helpless without me. Sometimes when I'm in here and he's not, I bust out and find him living in filth surrounded by rotting takeaway boxes. I can't bear to think of him like that all weekend. And like I said, I don't want him showing up and causing a scene at this party. I'd ask Red to look after him, but I'm afraid I might come back to find them both dead with a death grip around the other's throat. Anyway, you're my best friend aside from Red, so could you do this for me, pretty please? I'll owe you forever."

There were few things Crane would rather do less in this world than acquiesce to Harley's request. He would honestly have rather set himself on fire again. But there she stood, smiling at him and pleading with her gorgeous, big, blue eyes, shining in hope, and he found his tongue disobeying his brain and every other instinct as it said, "Of course, my dear. That will be no problem at all."

"Aw, thanks, Johnny!" said Harley, beaming as she hugged him tightly. "I'll only be gone for the weekend, so if you could just stop by on Saturday and Sunday…actually, you should probably include Friday evening too, because I'll need to drive up Friday afternoon. And feel free to call me if there's any trouble – I'll try and check my phone as often as I can. And be sure to let me know how I can return the favor," she said, kissing his cheek and skipping off.

Crane began indulging his fantasies of how she could return the favor, which he knew damn well he would never really ask her to do, as he walked back into the Rec Room. "What did Harley want?" asked Tetch, looking up from his book.

"Oh, she just wants me to do a little favor for her when she's away for the weekend," said Crane, lightly. "Just a tiny, little, unimportant thing. I said I would."

"Oh yes?" asked Tetch. "What's the favor?"

"Just to look in on Joker," said Crane. "Make sure he's coping all right without her and sort of…look after him."

Tetch stared at him. "Harley wants you to babysit the Joker?"

"I'm not babysitting him – he's a grown man!" snapped Crane.

"That's debatable," retorted Tetch.

"I'm telling you, Doc, he deserved to be blinded!" Joker cried, as they heard him being escorted back to his cell. "The lasagna was burned at lunch today! Any chef who couldn't see that doesn't deserve to have his sight! I don't understand why I'm being punished for doing a public service and saving the world from bad cooks!"

"Well, it's going to be a fun weekend," sighed Crane. He only hoped he would still have his sight, let alone his sanity, by the end of it.


	2. Chapter 2

"Puddin', have you seen the chocolates I got for Mom and Dad?" asked Harley, hunting around the living room in their hideout that Friday.

"I ate 'em," retorted Joker, not looking up from the TV.

Harley sighed heavily. "Puddin', I know you don't want me to go," she said. "To tell you the truth, I don't much wanna go. I mean, I hope at Mom and Dad's anniversary party, the focus will be on them, but I imagine everyone there won't be able to resist the opportunity to interrogate me if they find out I'm Harley Quinn. Plus I imagine Dad will get in a sniping comment or two about you."

"So why are you going, then?" demanded Joker.

"Because they want me to be there," said Harley. "And sometimes we do unpleasant things for the people we love, because it will make them happy. Maybe you can't personally understand that, but you should be able to comprehend it at least, after all I do for you that I'm not particularly keen on doing."

"Like what?" asked Joker, offended.

"Like hand-painting your face onto five-hundred grenades!" snapped Harley.

"I thought you liked painting my face," said Joker.

"Yes, but not five-hundred times!" snapped Harley.

"But it would look stupid if my face wasn't on all of 'em!" exclaimed Joker. "You wouldn't wanna look stupid, would you?"

"I don't really care how I look, Mr. J, that's kinda the point," retorted Harley. "I only care about making you happy. Red says that's my greatest weakness, but I don't like disappointing the people I love. That includes my parents."

"Well, I think going to this thing is just going to remind you how much of a disappointment you really are to them," said Joker. "I mean, they've been married thirty years, and I can't even be bothered to pop the question to you. You're just shacked up with some clown, and a criminal at that, who, instead of making an honorable woman of you, has lured you into a life of crime. What decent parent wouldn't be disappointed in you?"

"Gee, thanks, Mr. J," muttered Harley, storming out of the room and returning to the bedroom to finish packing. She violently threw a few more things into her suitcase.

"On top of that, you threw away your career as a respectable psychiatrist, a job that took years and years of training and medical school," continued Joker, following her. "I bet your parents were really proud of you when you graduated. Just think how those high expectations were setting them up for a fall. I almost admire that, Harley, all the effort you went through to get their hopes up, and then pulling out the rug from under their feet. Kinda a good joke on them really…"

"Look, Mr. J, I know you don't want me going, but that's no reason to act like a creep!" snapped Harley, rounding on him. "I'm gonna have to defend my life enough this weekend without you making me feel bad about it right now!"

"Just preparing you, pooh," he said, shrugging. "And maybe if you realize how unpleasant it is now, you'll choose to avoid further unpleasantness by just not going."

Harley sighed again. "I'd be flattered if I thought you wanted me to stay because you were gonna miss me, rather than miss me doing things for you. But don't worry, puddin', I got someone who's gonna pop round to look after you while I'm away."

"I don't need to be checked up on like some sort of mental patient!" snapped Joker.

"Well, that's what you are," said Harley, shrugging. "Anyway, it'll ease my mind while I'm away, as well as making your life easier. Johnny's a real sweetheart, and I'm sure he'll do anything you need him to."

"You asked the nerd?" demanded Joker. Then he shrugged. "Actually, that might be entertaining, to see how much I can make him do for me, and how far I can push him before he snaps."

"Please don't be mean to him, Mr. J," said Harley. "It was really sweet of him to agree to do it. He doesn't deserve to be rewarded with one of your cruel pranks."

"Well, life isn't fair," said Joker, shrugging. "You can either face that with a frown, or with a smile. I'll just have to see which type of person Johnny is, although I can probably guess."

Their pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, had been watching Harley packing from the bed with mounting concern. They began whimpering as she shut the suitcase. "Don't worry, babies," said Harley, petting them soothingly. "Mommy will be back soon. And Daddy will remember to feed you, won't you, Daddy?" she asked, looking pointedly at Joker.

"Probably," agreed Joker.

"Just remind him with a good snap if he doesn't," she said, stroking them as they licked her forlornly. Harley gave them a final cuddle, and then picked up her suitcase.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" asked Joker.

"I don't think so," said Harley, frowning, as she replaced the suitcase on the bed and opened it again. "Dress, shoes, pajamas, toothbrush, clean underwear…"

"I mean for me," snapped Joker. "You haven't made my dinner."

"Just order takeout," snapped Harley. "I don't have time to make dinner – I have a long drive ahead of me. Besides, I'm not in the mood to cook."

"What are you so miserable about?" asked Joker, as Harley slammed the suitcase shut and dragged it out to the car.

"Oh, I don't know – maybe the fact that my boyfriend's being a huge jerk, as usual!" snapped Harley.

"If it's usual, it shouldn't make you miserable," retorted Joker. "You should be used to it."

Harley said nothing, lifting her suitcase into the trunk of the car. "Well, I hope you get outta this mood before you get to your parents'," said Joker. "Harley Quinn should always show up to a party with a smile on her face."

"Maybe if she had something to smile about, she would," retorted Harley, climbing into the driver's seat.

"Whaddya mean?" demanded Joker, catching the door before she could slam it. "You got lots to smile about! You got me!"

Harley just looked at him. "Yeah, like you just said, the clown criminal who doesn't even respect me enough to marry me," she muttered. "I'm a lucky gal."

"Is that sarcasm?" demanded Joker.

"What do you think?" she snapped.

"All right, Little Miss Snide, it's time I reminded you how lucky you really are to have me!" snapped Joker, seizing her and dragging her out of the car. "I don't like you taking that tone with me, you ungrateful little brat!"

"And I don't like you acting like a baby just because I'm going to a party and you're not!" snapped Harley. "So I guess we're both disappointed!"

"Believe me, I'm not disappointed that you're gonna be outta my hair for a whole weekend!" snapped Joker. "It'll be nice to not have you hanging like a tightening noose around my neck!"

"Good, I won't come back, and we'll see how you like that!" snapped Harley. "Nobody to do your chores or your dirty work except you! You won't last a week without me!"

"I lasted years without you!" shouted Joker. "And I was happy, Harley! My smile never left my face, and look at me now!"

"Yeah, look at you now!" retorted Harley. "Old and washed up – a gal like me can do much better!"

"I ain't old or washed up!" roared Joker. "You take it back, you dumb broad!"

"Or what?" demanded Harley.

In response, Joker struck her across the face. Harley retaliated by kicking him in the stomach. Temporarily winded, Joker fell back, and Harley dived into the car, attempting to slam the door. Joker managed to catch it again, and Harley kicked out to try and make him let go. He seized her leg, and she kicked again, making him lose his balance and fall into the car on top of her.

"Get offa me, you slimy rat!" hissed Harley.

"I'm trying, you dumb blonde!" snapped Joker.

"Ow, you're kneeing me in the stomach!" snapped Harley.

"And you're elbowing me in my face!" snapped Joker.

They glared at each other, seething in rage, but the fury and pain suddenly became too much for them to resist, and in an instant, they were kissing intensely. Bud and Lou left the hideout at the commotion, saw the car shaking from side to side in the driveway, and instantly returned inside.

"Yeah, I _am_ a lucky gal," sighed Harley, pulling her clothes back on as Joker returned the seat to its upright position. "Though I don't think I should give Mom and Dad the exact details as to why."

"Maybe if there's a lull in the conversation," chuckled Joker. "Might be good for a laugh."

Harley kissed him. "I'm gonna miss you, puddin'."

"Well, I'll be there in spirit," he said. "Which reminds me…"

He hunted through the pockets of his jacket. "Got you something," he said, holding out a box to her.

"Oh. What's the occasion?" asked Harley, puzzled as she took it.

He shrugged. "Thought you needed something nice to wear to the party."

Harley opened the box to reveal a beautiful necklace on a gold chain, with a golden letter 'J' pendant. "Just in case someone gets confused as to whose property you are," he said.

"Oh…puddin', it's beautiful!" gasped Harley. "Thank you so much! Sex and jewelry in one day – how lucky can a girl get!" she laughed as Joker fastened the necklace around her neck.

He kissed her, climbing out of the car. "Now don't worry about a thing here. I'm gonna be fine on my own, and I promise not to torment Johnny too much."

"Thanks, puddin'," said Harley. "I love you."

She kissed him again, and then backed the car out of the driveway. "See you soon!" she said, waving as she drove away.

Joker waved after her and then headed inside, whistling as he pulled a tiny device out of his pocket. This was a listening device he had hidden inside the pendant he had given Harley, which also gave him the ability to track her location. "Sooner than you think," he chuckled.


	3. Chapter 3

"Right, I'm heading over to check on the clown," said Crane that evening, heading for the door of the apartment he shared with Jervis Tetch.

"You're sure you don't want me to accompany you?" asked Tetch, looking up from his microscope.

"Do you want to?" asked Crane.

"No, not at all," retorted Tetch. "I just thought you might want some moral support. Or physical support, in case he gets violent."

"No offense, Jervis, but if he gets violent, you're not going to be of much use," retorted Crane.

"Well, that depends what kind of use you're looking for," said Tetch. "It's true I'm not particularly physically fit, but in some cases, brain does defeat brawn."

"And how would your brain defeat the Joker if he became violent?" asked Crane.

"Quite simply, my dear Jonathan, I would take over _his_ brain," retorted Tetch, turning to him. "When dealing with a violent brute in an emergency situation, that's really all you can do to calm him down – control his mind."

"Well, I certainly hope that won't be necessary," said Crane, opening the door. He paused. "But just in case it is, what should I do?" he asked, turning to him.

"Call me and I'll come over with something to tame the beast," replied Tetch, returning his attention to the microscope.

"Fingers crossed I won't need to," sighed Crane, shutting the door. "Come on, Crane, just think of her grateful, beautiful face to get you through this," he muttered, as he started the car. "Just focus on that, and not the unpleasant task at hand."

He knocked on the door to the Joker's hideout, and heard loud barking as a reply. "Shut up, you mutts!" shouted Joker's voice from within. "I'm trying to listen here!"

"Joker? It's Jonathan," said Crane. "Harley wanted me to look in on you…"

"When I said shut up, you mutts, you were included in that statement, Johnny!" snapped Joker.

Crane sighed. "Are you going to open the door or not?"

There was silence, and then the door was suddenly flung open. "If you could pick up the garbage and clear out the body, that'd be great," said Joker, not even bothering to greet him before heading back into the hideout.

"Body? What body?" asked Crane, but the moment he stepped inside, he saw the unfortunate carcass of a delivery boy, surrounded by empty takeout boxes, and being gnawed at by the hyenas.

"The mutts get hungry, and they say Indian food is bad for animals," said Joker. "Something about onions or garlic or something. So I thought I'd give 'em fresh meat right off the bone instead."

"How thoughtful," said Crane. He looked from the body to the Joker, who sat at a chair in front of what appeared to be a radio, fiddling with some dials. "Joker, where are your pants?" he asked, noticing that he was only wearing his boxers.

"I think Harley has 'em in the car," retorted Joker, not looking up from the radio. "We had a little playtime in the vehicle before she headed out, and I must have left them in there."

"I see. And you don't have any other pants?" asked Crane.

"Yeah, in the closet, but that involves me getting up," retorted Joker. "And I'm kinda in the middle of something here. Besides, it's my house - I don't have to wear pants if I don't want to."

"No, I just thought you might not want to show off your Batman boxers to the world," said Crane. "Maybe your pants aren't the only thing in the closet…" he muttered under his breath.

"What's wrong with the Batman boxers?" asked Joker. "You jealous? You would have been if you'd seen what I did to Harley in the car. I got her engine revving good. It's too bad you'll never know what that feels like, whether with Harley or any woman. Now pipe down, would ya? I'm trying to eavesdrop here."

"Eavesdrop on what?" asked Crane, coming over to the radio.

"Shh!" hissed Joker, adjusting the volume dial as he leaned over the speaker. Crane very clearly heard Harley's voice coming out of the radio.

"Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!"

"Harley, you made it!" said her mother's voice.

"And you're unaccompanied, just like we asked," said her father's voice, with a touch of surprise in it.

"Oh yeah, Mr. J can be reasonable when he has to be," said Harley.

"Spreading lies already, the dumb blonde," muttered Joker.

"You're spying on Harley?" demanded Crane. "You can't do that!"

"Y'know, I'm getting real sick of people telling me what I can and can't do," muttered Joker.

"She's your girlfriend!" exclaimed Crane. "Why are you spying on her? Don't you trust her?"

"Sure I do," said Joker, nodding. "It's everyone else I don't trust. Her parents have never liked me, and I'm sure they're gonna take advantage of my absence to try and set Harley up with someone else. This party tomorrow night is sure to have a lotta folks there, probably a lotta male folks specifically invited for that purpose. I don't want them getting any ideas about her."

"Your touching possessive jealousy aside, you don't think Harley would instantly rebuff any advances?" asked Crane.

"Yes, but I need to find out who I need to kill, don't I?" demanded Joker. "Harley might not tell me – she's sometimes too soft and forgiving of people. But I don't forgive anyone who tries to get his hands on my property. Bear that in mind, nerd. Plus I wanna hear what people say about me. Anyway, it's half to spy on her, and half to track her. I need to find out where exactly in Brooklyn this shindig is. It's a big place, you know, and I don't wanna get lost and miss crashing the party."

"Oh no, you're not crashing the party," said Crane, firmly. "Harley explicitly told me to stop you in case you tried."

"Really? You and what army, pal?" demanded Joker, rounding on him. "And what did I say about telling me what to do? Looks like I might have to teach you some respect," he said, standing up slowly. "And I can't teach you respect without my pants on. I'll go put 'em on – you take out the trash and the body."

Crane glared after him as he disappeared into the bedroom, and then turned to the body. He reached down to grab the arm and drag it outside when the hyenas began growling and snapping at him. "I'm sorry – are you not finished?" he demanded.

The hyenas growled again, and continued gnawing on the bones. "I won't rush you, then," muttered Crane, gathering up the takeout boxes and dumping them into the garbage. At that moment, a phone began ringing, and Crane saw that it was the Joker's phone which he had left by the radio. And the name that popped up on the screen was _Harley._

Crane seized it and answered it. "Hello?"

"I'm alone and just remembering our afternoon delight, puddin'," purred Harley. "I wish your big, strong, powerful gun was still banging me. My engine's still a little sore, but you know that's how I like it..."

"Harley, it's Jonathan," said Crane, before things could get more awkward.

"Oh…Johnny, hi!" said Harley. "I'm glad you're with Mr. J – is he around?"

"He's just putting on some pants," said Crane. "Apparently he left them in the car with you?"

"Oh yeah, I found 'em scrunched up in the trunk," giggled Harley. "I guess I was just too eager to get them offa him to remember where I threw them."

"Harley, you need to know what he's doing," said Crane. "He's spying…"

"Sighing forlornly because you're not here, pooh," interrupted Joker suddenly, seizing the phone from Crane. "I miss you so much already, and it's only been a couple of hours. Of course that was quite a send off we had, so who can blame me?" he chuckled. "You get to your parents' place all right? Good. Hope you said hi from me. Yeah, you get settled in – Johnny and me are having a great time here, hanging out like the good pals we are," he said, putting an arm around Crane, although it was less friendly and more threatening. "And don't worry – I remembered to feed the babies. Uh huh, miss you lots and lots too. Get some rest, and enjoy the party tomorrow! Uh huh, love you. No, I love you more. No, I love you the most." He made kissing noises until he hung up the phone, and then his smile instantly dropped into a look of fury as he rounded on Crane.

"Look, you idiot, you'd better hope you never get a girlfriend because you don't know how to handle one! You can't tell her I'm spying on her – she'd be furious!"

"Maybe that's a sign that you shouldn't do it, then!" snapped Crane.

"If I didn't do anything she'd get mad about, I'd never do anything!" snapped Joker. "Being in a relationship is all about doing whatever the hell you want and just hiding it from the other person! Don't you know anything?"

"I'm pretty sure I know more about being in a relationship than you," retorted Crane.

"Yeah, I forgot, with your vast experience of zero relationships, you're obviously more qualified to talk," retorted Joker. "Give a guy a PhD and he suddenly knows everything about everything, is that how it is? Because I think it's actually the opposite – freaks with PhDs have spent all their time being nerds instead of dealing with real people."

"Joker, I'm not going to let you treat Harley like this," said Crane. "She doesn't deserve to be lied to and duped by you. I insist you call her back and tell her the truth, and then stop all this madness at once."

"Or what?" demanded Joker.

"Or…there will be consequences," said Crane, trying to sound brave despite the murderous look in Joker's eyes.

"Oh yeah, there will," said Joker, rolling up sleeves. "But you asked for 'em, pal, so don't say I didn't warn you. But let me tell you right from the start, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it does me."

…

Jervis Tetch was cleaning his microscope slides when he thought he heard a faint knocking on the apartment door. Puzzled, he went to answer it, and stared in shock at his roommate, who looked bruised, battered, and barely able to stand.

"Good Lord, Jonathan, what happened?" he asked, helping him inside.

"Joker happened," muttered Crane. "He didn't appreciate some of the things I said to him. I would have taken your advice and called you, but he broke my phone, and I lost my keys when I threw them to distract the hyenas. But despite beating me to within an inch of my life, he didn't manage to beat my resolve out of me – I'm still determined not to let him go through with his plan to crash the party."

"He really is a beast," sighed Tetch.

"Yes," agreed Crane. "And tomorrow, with the help of your mind control device, I'm going to put the beast in his mental cage."


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, there was a loud knock on the Joker's door. "Harley, answer that," muttered Joker, rolling over in his sleep. The figure next to him in bed didn't budge. "I said answer that, Harley," he snapped, kicking out at the figure. It growled. "Don't give me that attitude!" snapped Joker. "Just go answer the door, you dumb…ow! Don't bite me, you stupid…"

He trailed off when he saw what had nipped at him, and it wasn't Harley. "Hyena," he finished. "I knew that."

The hyena snorted, curling up against its brother and falling asleep again. "Right, Harley's at her parents'," said Joker, rubbing his eyes. "And going to a party tonight to which I was not invited because her parents don't like fun. So I'm gonna have to invite myself, just like I have to do everything for myself around here. Just like I have to get the door myself, since you lazy mutts won't do it," he muttered, standing up and heading down the hall.

"Good morning, Joker – still not wearing pants, I see," said Crane, forcing a smile as Joker answered the door.

"Yeah, they call me the Clown Prince of Pantsless, Johnny," retorted Joker. "I gotta say, I'm surprised to see you here. I thought the beating I gave you yesterday would have discouraged you from returning."

"Oh, believe me, I'm used to beatings," said Crane. "I became numb to them throughout high school, since they occurred so frequently. It'll take more than that to break my promise to Harley."

"So you've come back for more, is that it?" asked Joker. "Well, if you wanna be a masochist, I ain't gonna stop you," he said, shrugging. "Why doncha make yourself useful and make breakfast, huh?" he asked, holding open the door for him. "Start with the coffee – I don't function without coffee in the morning."

"A please wouldn't go amiss," muttered Crane.

"Manners are for people you respect, Johnny," retorted Joker. "I don't say please when I tell the hyenas or Harley to do something, because they're beneath me, and so are you. Now get cooking."

"If I were Harley, I would have stabbed him to death several times by now," muttered Crane, entering the kitchen and starting the coffee machine. He tapped an earpiece which communicated with the van waiting outside. "All right, I'm back inside."

"Good," said Tetch's voice from the other end. "I'm just putting the finishing touches on the device, which I'll leave by the window. Please deliver it into his hands."

"Understood," said Crane. He looked around. "Now I wonder what he's used to having for breakfast." He opened the refrigerator and frowned to find it bare. "No eggs, no fruit, maybe he has bread somewhere…" he muttered. He opened a cupboard to see a vast selection of sugary cereals, pop-tarts, and syrup. "Ah, sugar and fat, just what an aging man should indulge in," he said. "Maybe he'll have a heart attack and die soon."

"Wishful thinking, Johnny," said Joker, entering the room fully dressed. "Anyway, even if I did, you'd have no shot with Harley. We've discussed what would happen in the event of my sudden and unexpected death, and we've agreed she'll spend the remainder of her life looking for a way to bring me back, or failing that, commit suicide and take the entire city of Gotham with her."

"How…would she do that?" asked Crane slowly.

"I dunno – we haven't discussed the details," said Joker, shrugging. "But she's a smart gal – she'll figure something out. Now I'll have my coffee in my study, along with…pop-tarts today, I think. The ones filled with chocolate and marshmallows. It's like playing Russian roulette with your arteries!" he chuckled, heading off.

Crane sighed, putting the pop-tarts in the toaster. "Jervis, is it ready yet?" he asked, tapping on his earpiece again.

"Yes, I'm just putting it on the windowsill now," said Tetch. Crane looked up to see a wrapped parcel on the windowsill – he took it along with the pop-tarts and coffee to Joker's study.

"Joker, I've brought you breakfast and a present," said Crane. "This package was just delivered for you."

"Oooh, I love presents!" exclaimed Joker, seizing the parcel from him and tearing it open. "I wonder who it could be from – I'm not expecting anything, but then I suppose a man of my talents shouldn't be surprised that I get gifts from random admirers…aw, look, it's a top hat!" he said, pulling it out. "I gotta say, that ain't really my style – I'm a fedora man myself."

"Well, just try it on and see how it looks," said Crane.

"I could do that," agreed Joker. "If I was a total moron," he added, suddenly crushing the hat between his hands, and then throwing it to the ground and stamping on it. "I'm not gonna try on a strange hat in this town! It's clearly from your nerd buddy, hoping to mind control me into not crashing the party or something! How stupid do you think I am?!"

"Well…" began Crane.

"Don't answer that – just give me my breakfast and get the hell out!" snapped Joker, seizing the plate and mug from Crane. "And you don't need to come back – I'll be gone to Brooklyn in a few hours, so Harley can take care of anything I'll need herself. Thanks for nothing, jerk," he said, shoving Crane out of the room and slamming the door in his face.

Crane tapped his earpiece again. "Jervis, we have a problem. He smashed the hat."

"Excellent. That was exactly what he was supposed to do," said Tetch's voice.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Crane.

"Well, that's what he always does with my hats," said Tetch. "I didn't expect him to change now. For a man who's meant to be spontaneous and random, he's surprisingly predicable sometimes. I fully intended that he would smash it – that's essential to my plan."

"I'm sorry, I don't understand," said Crane.

"Just come back to the van," sighed Tetch. "I'll explain it to you there."

"The hat was just a means of transportation," explained Tetch, as Crane climbed into the van outside Joker's hideout. It was filled with screens and monitors and wires, and machines that beeped, like a surveillance van. "I needed him to smash it to activate the device inside, which will begin working upon exposure to the air. It sends out electromagnetic waves that are completely undetectable, but begin to interfere with brain function, blocking out the areas that control free will, and bringing that free will under my control."

"That's very clever," said Crane. "But do you actually think anything is strong enough to control the Joker's mind? You know he's a special type of crazy."

"We can but hope," said Tetch. "I suppose it's conceivable that he could fight against the control somehow, but we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. This is merely a test run, after all. Now, let's see if we're ready," he said, glancing at the monitor which showed the Joker in his study. He picked up a microphone. "Joker, can you hear me?"

Joker looked up from his work. "Huh. Normally the voices in my head don't speak in a British accent. And don't echo around the room like that. Oh well," he said, shrugging and returning his attention to the papers on his desk. "Must have got another one in there somehow. Hope you find space, pal – it's pretty crowded in the old skull already."

"Joker, I need you to pay attention to me," said Tetch.

"Oh, get in line!" snapped Joker. "All the voices are vying for attention, and I can't listen to all of you at once or I'll go crazy! Wait your turn, will ya?"

"This doesn't appear to be working," commented Crane.

"No, perhaps if I increase the frequency," said Tetch, turning some dials. "Clearly I've got competition in his head, so I'm going to try to amplify my signal. Make myself louder, as it were, and drown out the others. Joker, I need you to listen to only me, please," he said, louder.

They saw Joker rubbing his temples. "Geez, kinda demanding, ain't ya?" he muttered. "Giving me a headache…"

"Good, I think it's working," said Tetch. "I can almost feel him slipping under my control. Joker, you are going to do what I say, aren't you?"

"Yeah...sounds like a plan," said the Joker, who seemed dazed and confused, like a man in a trance.

"Yes, we have control!" exclaimed Tetch, triumphantly. "Lucky for him, I'm not some ambitious, power-hungry lunatic who's going to use my influence over him for evil. I mean, we can basically make him do anything we want, but we would never abuse that power, would we, Jonathan?" he asked. "Jonathan?" he repeated, turning to his friend when he didn't answer.

"Could we…subliminally influence him into thinking that he's better off as a single man alone?" asked Crane, slowly. "And that Harley's done nothing but hold him back?"

"Jonathan, we're not going to make him dump Harley!" Tetch snapped. "Anyway, he already thinks that."

"Fine, don't help a friend out!" retorted Crane. "But can't we humiliate him just a little after what he did to me?"

Tetch sighed. "Fine, just a little. What do you suggest?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Morning, Harley! Have some breakfast," said Mrs. Quinzel as Harley emerged from her bedroom into the dining room, yawning. "Coffee's just brewed."

"Aw, thanks, Mom," said Harley, sitting down as her mother poured her coffee and shoveled some turkey bacon and eggs onto her plate. "It's nice to be waited on – haven't had service like this since I was a little girl!" she laughed.

"You mean that brute you live with makes you serve him?" muttered Mr. Quinzel, who was reading the paper.

"He doesn't make me do anything – I choose to serve him, because it makes me happy," retorted Harley. "For the most part. Anyway, Mom always taught me that there's no greater happiness than taking care of the people you love."

"I think we can all agree with that, can't we, George?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, determined to keep the peace as usual. "I work hard in the home, and you work hard at the office in order to take care of our family."

"Are you honestly comparing our family life to what she shares with that clown?" demanded Mr. Quinzel.

"George, I don't want you starting fights today!" snapped Mrs. Quinzel. "I don't want things to be awkward at the party tonight, so why don't you keep any comments you have about our daughter's life to yourself? Let's just avoid that topic and talk about something else."

An awkward silence descended on the breakfast table. "Good eggs, Mom," said Harley at last. "You got the yolk right in the middle there."

"Yes, I did," agreed Mrs. Quinzel.

"You'll have to teach me how to do that," said Harley, after another silence. "My yolks always break open."

"There's no trick to it - it's just practice, dear," said Mrs. Quinzel.

Silence again. "Good bacon too," continued Harley. "You can barely tell it ain't pork…"

"Oh, for God's sake!" snapped Mr. Quinzel, throwing his paper down. "We are not going to spend today making awkward small talk! This is what you'd rather have instead of fighting, Gladys?"

"Yes," retorted Mrs. Quinzel. "I told you, I don't want a bad atmosphere at the party. The guests will be able to sense tension – you always can."

"Who all have you invited?" asked Harley. "Anyone I know?"

"Well, your Uncle Herschel and Aunt Ruth," said Mrs. Quinzel. "Your cousin Isaac is coming with them. And just some friends from the neighborhood and community."

"And their sons," added Mr. Quinzel.

"George!" snapped Mrs. Quinzel.

"What does that mean?" asked Harley, confused.

"Your father decided he wanted to invite…certain eligible young men to the party," said Mrs. Quinzel, slowly. "Just in case you hit it off with one of them."

Harley stared at her father. "I'm in a committed relationship, Dad…" she began.

"You're in a committed relationship with an insane, murderous freak," interrupted Mr. Quinzel. "Forgive me if I want better for my only child."

"It's not about what you want!" snapped Harley. "It's about what I want! It's my life, Dad, and you're not controlling it anymore!"

"Someone has to, when you let it get this out of control!" shouted Mr. Quinzel. "I'm doing this for your own good, Harley…"

"God, I am so sick of you presuming you know what's best for me!" yelled Harley. "You don't know me at all, Dad, so how could you possibly know what's good for me? _I_ know, and it's Mr. J! And I ain't changing my mind about that! I would never have come to this party if I knew it was just a set up for a buncha blind dates…"

"Harley, it's not that," said Mrs. Quinzel, trying to calm her. "And you don't have to talk to any of them if you don't want to. We just thought it might be nice to invite people your own age so you'll have someone to talk to, rather than our friends who are as old as we are, and don't know you…"

"I prefer older people, as you well know," retorted Harley. "Anyway, I doubt you've told anybody who I really am. Your daughter the insane supercriminal isn't the kinda thing you spread around polite society, is it?"

"No, it's not," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "As far as anyone here tonight knows, you're a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum…"

"Oh my God, Dad, let it go!" shouted Harley. "I never thought you'd actually be so ashamed of me that you'd lie to people about who I am! Am I really that much of an embarrassment to you?"

"Harley, you're not an embarrassment," said Mrs. Quinzel, gently. "These are just…normal people who might find the truth about you…a little strange and uncomfortable. And I told you, I don't want a tense atmosphere. So just for tonight, would it be so bad to pretend you're still Dr. Harleen Quinzel, Arkham psychiatrist?"

Harley sighed. "Mr. J was right," she muttered. "This is going to be really unpleasant for me." She took a deep breath. "But it's your party, and I don't want to be the center of attention anyway. So I'll be Dr. Quinzel tonight. But I ain't hitting it off with any young men," she added, standing up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call my boyfriend to make sure he's doing ok without me. And be glad I ain't gonna tell him what you said, or he'd be up here in a flash to crash this thing. He can be real jealous and possessive if he thinks he's got competition. That's how you know he cares," she sighed, heading off to her room.

She picked up the phone and dialed Joker's number. "Hello?"

"Hi, who's this?" asked Harley, double checking so as to avoid an incident like yesterday.

"It's Jonathan again, my dear," said Crane.

"Have you been with Mr. J all this time?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"No, I just came back to check on him this morning," said Crane.

"Aw, you're so thoughtful, Johnny," said Harley. "How's he doing? Can I talk to him?"

"Um…yes, in just a second," said Crane, covering the phone. "Jervis, can you tell Joker to take a break from cleaning the windows and come talk on the phone?"

"You can tell him – I've told you, I've programmed him so he responds to both our voices," said Tetch, not looking up from his book.

"Joker, break time!" called Crane. "And you have a telephone call!"

"Please bring the tea in with you!" called Tetch.

"Yes, Mr. Tetch," said the Joker, who was still in his trance-like state, and who came into the room carrying a tea tray.

"There's a good man – talk on the phone now, please," said Crane, handing the phone to him.

"What should I say?" asked Joker, looking at him blankly.

"Say, 'Hello Harley,'" said Crane.

"Hello, Harley," repeated Joker, in a flat, emotionless tone.

"Mr. J?" said Harley, concerned. "You ok? You don't sound like yourself at all."

"Tell her you're tired," said Crane.

"I'm tired," repeated Joker.

"Aw, poor baby – didn't sleep well without your Harley, huh?" asked Harley.

Joker looked to Crane for guidance. "Say, 'That's right,'" said Crane.

"That's right," repeated Joker, in the same tone.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't sleep well without my puddin' neither," said Harley. "I was tossing and turning by myself all night, wishing his big, strong arms were around me. But we've only got one more night to be apart, puddin', and then we can make up for lost time when I get back."

"That'll be lovely," said Crane.

"That'll be lovely," repeated Joker, flatly.

"Really? You don't sound very enthusiastic," said Harley. "Which is typical of you, playing hard to get, puddin'," she sighed adoringly. "Well, you're probably busy with Johnny, so I'll leave you alone – might call you during the party if I get bored though. You were right – I should have stayed home. Can you believe my parents actually want me to pretend I'm still a doctor? God only knows what they'd have done if you had showed up, and I wanna thank you once again, puddin', for being so understanding about that, and so obliging about staying home. You really are the best a gal could get. I love you so much."

"I love you too," murmured Crane.

"I love you too," repeated Joker, emotionlessly.

"Talk to you soon! Buh bye!" said Harley, and she hung up the phone.

"You may pour the tea now, Joker," said Crane, indicating the tray. "Remember to put the tea strainer on before you do, as this is loose leaf tea."

"Yes, Professor Crane," said Joker.

"And put the milk in first in mine," said Tetch.

"Yes, Mr. Tetch," said Joker, obeying.

"I must say, Jervis, I could get used to this," commented Crane, as Joker handed him his teacup. "The brute's positively docile."

"Yes, and he'll remain that way for as long as we like," said Tetch. "The only way to break the control over him is to break the connection, and that's not possible unless the machine in the van is damaged, and I can't think of any reason why it would be."

"You did lock the van, didn't you?" asked Crane.

"Of course I locked the van," retorted Tetch. "I invented a way to control a man's mind – I'm not an idiot."

"It was just a question," said Crane. "No need to get so defensive."

"Well, it was a patronizing question," retorted Tetch. "As if a man as ingenious as myself would forget a basic thing like locking a van. Honestly, Jonathan, what do you take me for?"

"I'm sorry," said Crane. "I suppose that was a little patronizing."

"Yes, indeed, it was," agreed Tetch, sipping his tea. "In fact, I'm so insulted, that I'm afraid I have to leave," he said, standing up suddenly. "I'll be back when I've calmed down."

"I'm truly very sorry…" began Crane, but Tetch had already hurried from the room. "Well, that's odd," he commented to Joker. "Jervis isn't usually oversensitive like that."

"What are you talking about? He's the most oversensitive guy I know. It's part of the reason I think you're a couple," retorted Joker. "He's the only supervillain I know who cries every time Batman beats him – what else would you call that but oversensitive? Maybe a pathetic wuss, but your way is kinder, if you feel like being kind to a pathetic wuss."

Crane stared at him. "You…you're back…"

"Let go of that, you beasts!" shouted Tetch, as Crane heard commotion from outside. He rushed out of the room to see Tetch engaged in a tug-of-war with the hyenas, who had obviously managed to rip out some wires from the machine which controlled Joker.

"I thought you locked the door!" shouted Crane.

"On reflection, I realized I hadn't!" retorted Tetch. "I hadn't even shut it – I'm afraid I got a bit carried away at my own success!"

"Well, this is a fine time for hubris!" exclaimed Crane, trying to aid him in seizing the wires from the hyenas' jaws.

"What the hell is going on out here?" asked Joker. "When did the Hat Guy even get here? Last thing I remember is kicking you out, Craney, and now it's…"

He trailed off as he glanced at his watch. "Oh my God, where did the time go?!" he exclaimed. "I gotta get going now if I'm gonna make it to Brooklyn for the party!"

"Joker, don't you dare! Joker, stop!" shouted Crane, as Joker raced across the road and jumped into the van. Crane and Tetch chased after him with the hyenas in tow as Joker started the engine. Both Crane and Tetch just managed to leap into the back of the van as it sped off. The ensuing force ripped the wires away from the hyenas, who chased after the van for a bit until they realized they couldn't catch it. With an annoyed sniff, they headed back to the hideout.

Crane struggled to shut the door in the moving van as Tetch tried to reassemble the wires in the machine. "Can you get it back online?" demanded Crane, as he managed to slam the doors at last, securing them inside.

"I don't know – it will take some time," muttered Tetch, fiddling with the wires.

"We do have some time," said Crane. "But it has to be online before we arrive in Brooklyn, or Joker is going to crash that party, and Harley will never forgive me. I can't fail her, Jervis, I just can't. I can't imagine her beautiful face gazing at me in disappointment…"

"You won't have to imagine it – you'll see it unless you stop nagging me and let me work!" interrupted Tetch.

"I'm sorry," said Crane. "I imagine you're just a little touchy because if I do fail her, it'll be your fault, what with you leaving the van doors open and all. Don't think I won't tell her it's your fault too."

"You know, even the greatest of geniuses can't do everything right!" snapped Tetch. "Einstein failed his second grade math test, you know!"

"Yes, but could he lock doors?" asked Crane.

"Oh, do shut up, Jonathan!" snapped Tetch. "I'm sure I'll have it back online before we get to Brooklyn. How long a drive is it?"

"A couple hours, I think," said Crane. "Although I do believe Joker is speeding, so maybe less."

Tetch sighed. "Well, in that case, I _hope_ I'll have it back online before we get to Brooklyn."


	6. Chapter 6

"Harleen! Harleen Quinzel! Is that really you?"

Harley had just started to relax at the party when she heard the familiar voice across the ballroom. "Yeah, it's me, Aunt Ruth," she said, forcing a smile as a large, middle-aged woman hurried over to her, and seized her in a bone-crushing embrace.

"Oh my God, it's been ages since I've seen you!" Aunt Ruth exclaimed. "Let me look at you! Still too skinny, I see, but some people think that's attractive, I guess. Guess you weren't going to put on weight living on your own, since I remember you can't cook very well, but I thought you might have found someone to fatten you up somehow. But I guess not."

"Uh…I…" stammered Harley. She had forgotten how her aunt would just say whatever popped into her head, without considering whether it might sound offensive or not. But then she supposed subtlety had never been a family strong suit.

"Are you still in Gotham?" continued Aunt Ruth. "I remember you wanted to work there after you graduated, though God knows why. The weather's terrible, and the crime rate is simply unbelievable, or so they say. Is it really that bad there?"

"Well…" began Harley.

"Apparently they need some vigilante in a cape running around because the police can't deal with the criminal scum the way they should," said Uncle Herschel, coming over to join them. "And that's by shooting them down in the street like the dogs they are. Hello, Harley," he said, kissing Harley's cheek.

"Yeah, that's…" began Harley.

"Honestly, dear, better you than me living there," commented Aunt Ruth. "We've just come back from visiting Isaac in Hawaii. No complaints about the weather there, or the crime rate. It's all luaus and campfires – they don't call it paradise for nothing!"

"Is Isaac still in banking?" asked Harley.

"Well, he's CEO of the bank now, if that's what you mean," replied Aunt Ruth. "And engaged to just the sweetest girl – we'll send you an invite to the wedding. I swear, I've never seen a happier or more affectionate couple – they're like something out of a fairy tale."

"That's nice," said Harley. "Mom said he'd be here?"

"Oh, he was going to be, but his fiancee came down with a cold, and he wanted to stay with her and take care of her while she's sick," replied Aunt Ruth. "He'd just do anything in the world for her. Like I said, just the most loving, devoted couple."

"That's nice," repeated Harley, feeling her forced smile start to grate.

"I don't suppose you've had any luck in that department?" asked Aunt Ruth. "Finding yourself a nice young man, I mean. Of course I always pictured you as one of those ambitious women who put their career before their family, and I imagine you don't have a lot of time to date working as a doctor. You are still working as a doctor, aren't you?"

"Yep," lied Harley. "At Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane."

"Well, no wonder you're still single and alone," commented Aunt Ruth. "You can't meet many nice men in a lunatic asylum, can you?"

"No, you can't," agreed Harley, through gritted teeth.

"And then I suppose a lot of men are intimidated by a smart girl," continued Aunt Ruth. "I remember you can sometimes come across as a little opinionated too, and many men don't like that. Plus you always had these weird ideas that you'd voice without thinking how they might sound to other people…"

"Yes, how embarrassing that must have been!" laughed Harley. "Thankfully I grew out of it," she added, pointedly.

"Anyway, this is such a wonderful occasion for your parents," continued Aunt Ruth, who clearly hadn't picked up on Harley's insult. "Married thirty years! That's quite an achievement. Though I wouldn't be surprised if Isaac and Susan make it to thirty years, just like your uncle Herschel and I have. Not that your achievements aren't impressive too, Harley," she added, patting her on the back. "But it's a shame that you haven't been able to find anyone, a nice-looking girl like you. Maybe get your mom to fatten you up while you're here, huh? You might have better luck if you get some meat on your bones."

"Yeah, hopefully," agreed Harley. "Speaking of Mom, I'd better go see how she's doing. Excuse me."

"Got cornered by Aunt Ruth, huh?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, smiling as Harley hurried over to her parents.

"Barely made it out with my life," agreed Harley, grabbing a glass of champagne. "I think I'm going to be needing a lot of this tonight."

"I didn't get a chance to tell you before the guests arrived, but you look absolutely beautiful," said Mrs. Quinzel.

"Aunt Ruth says too skinny," replied Harley. "But thanks, Mom. You and Dad look great too."

"Yeah, great," agreed Mr. Quinzel. "I spend hours in a suit at the office, and now I get to wear one on the weekend too."

"George, stop complaining," sighed Mrs. Quinzel. "Sometimes I wonder how we made it to thirty years," she muttered, sipping her champagne.

"You did tell Aunt Ruth you were still a doctor, didn't you?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

"Yes, Dad," sighed Harley. "I told her I worked at Arkham, and she said that was probably the reason I was still single."

"And you didn't correct her on that, did you?" asked Mr. Quinzel, concerned.

"What was I gonna say, Dad?" demanded Harley. "Yeah, Aunt Ruth, I haven't found a nice young man, but I got a middle-aged murdering psychopath boyfriend, maybe you've heard of him, the Joker?"

"Would you not say that name out loud?" demanded Mr. Quinzel. "It'll summon him or something."

"Dad, he's hundreds of miles away in Gotham," retorted Harley. "I've got a friend looking in on him to make sure he stays there too. Not that he wouldn't anyway, because he respects me enough to respect my wishes. Which is more than pretty much everyone here does," she muttered.

"Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel, congratulations," said an attractive young man, coming over to them and shaking their hands. "And this must be your daughter Harleen, is that right?"

"Call me Harley, everyone does," said Harley, shaking the man's hand.

"Harley, this is Adam Bernstein – he's the son of Mr. and Mrs. Bernstein from downstairs," said Mrs. Quinzel.

"He's a partner in a law firm," said Mr. Quinzel, pointedly.

"Oh. That's nice," said Harley. "Given how much I personally…respect the law."

"Your parents have told me so much about you," said Adam, smiling at her. "You're a doctor, right?"

"Yep, at Arkham Asylum in Gotham City," said Harley.

"Wow, beautiful, brainy, and brave," commented Adam. "Are you staying in Brooklyn long? Maybe we could get coffee sometime."

"Um…that's sweet, but…I really don't think so, Adam," said Harley. "I'm kinda…seeing someone back in Gotham."

"Oh. That wasn't the impression your parents gave me," said Adam, frowning.

"It's a relatively new relationship - she only just told us," interjected Mr. Quinzel. "Nothing serious, and it probably won't last."

"Thanks, Dad," said Harley, forcing another smile.

"It's not Batman you're seeing, is it?" laughed Adam. "I hear he can be a little flighty."

"No, it's not Batman," agreed Harley.

"No, it was kinda…meant to be a joke," said Adam, slowly. "Batman, and bats being flighty…uh…your parents said you liked jokes."

"Did they?" asked Harley. "Well, maybe they misspoke. I have kinda an odd sense of humor, don't worry about it. Most people don't really understand it. Anyway, my glass is empty…"

"Allow me," said Adam, taking it from her.

Harley sighed as he headed off. "Will you quit trying to set me up with people?" she demanded, rounding on her father.

"That was one person!" snapped Mr. Quinzel.

"Mr. Quinzel, is this the daughter you were talking about?" asked another young man, coming over to them.

"Yes, Mike, this is Harley," said Mr. Quinzel. "She's a doctor, and she's single."

"Actually, I am seeing someone," said Harley, through gritted teeth.

"Your dad speaks very highly of you," said Mike. "I'm a doctor myself, and I can certainly see why you're as proud of her as my parents are of me."

"Is that true, Dad?" asked Harley, turning to her father. "Are you proud of me? Or are you only proud of me because I'm a doctor? If I stopped being a doctor, would you stop being proud of me?"

Mr. Quinzel was saved the trouble of answering by his wife tapping on her glass. "Welcome, everyone, and thank you so much for coming," she said, beaming around the room. "It's not often that George and I get to entertain, mostly because George hates functions like this," she said, and the crowd laughed. "But we're certainly pleased that so many friends and family have come to help us celebrate our thirty years of marriage, including our daughter Harleen, by far the best thing that's come out of our thirty years of marriage."

There was applause as Harley gave an awkward nod. "Now if everyone would please head into the function room, dinner will be served momentarily," said Mrs. Quinzel. "I hope everyone's hungry."

"Please tell me I'm sitting at the head of the table with you," said Harley, following her mother into the function room.

"Yes, you are," said Mrs. Quinzel.

"But you've got Adam Bernstein on your other side," added Mr. Quinzel.

Harley sighed. "Allow me," said Adam, reaching her chair before she did and pulling it out for her. "I got your champagne," he said, handing her the glass back.

"Thanks," said Harley, trying to keep smiling. She sipped the champagne in silence as they waited for the first course to be served.

"That's a nice necklace," said Adam at last.

"Thanks," repeated Harley, touching the pendant.

"Who's J?" asked Adam.

"The guy I'm seeing," retorted Harley.

"He gave you jewelry already?" asked Adam. "I thought your dad said it was a new relationship."

"He just said that because he doesn't approve of the guy," retorted Harley, sipping her champagne again. "And he's hoping to set me up with someone else."

"Why doesn't he approve?" asked Adam.

"Because the guy's kinda…unusual," said Harley, slowly.

"Is he not Jewish?" asked Adam.

"No, he's not Jewish," agreed Harley. "But…that's not the only reason he doesn't approve."

"What's the other?" asked Adam.

"Well, there are lots," said Harley. "I've kinda given up my career as a doctor for him…I mean… _because_ of him, I guess."

"Wow, that's a big step," said Adam. "You must really trust him."

"Yeah, I do," agreed Harley. "People say I'm crazy…but I do."

"Why would it be crazy to trust your boyfriend?" asked Adam, puzzled.

Harley sighed, fed up with all the questions. "Because he's the Joker," she retorted.

Adam stared at her. "The Joker?" he repeated. "The notorious supercriminal, the Joker?"

"That's him," said Harley, nodding. "The one and only."

"But the Joker's girlfriend is…" began Adam, but then he trailed off, his eyes widening. "Oh my God…you're Harley Quinn!" he exclaimed.

"Not so loud!" hissed Harley. "We're trying to keep it under wraps!"

"But…but…I mean…the Joker!" gasped Adam. "He's…he's not going to show up here suddenly, is he?"

"Maybe if you keep talking about him," retorted Harley. "You know that old saying, speak of the devil and he shall appear."

Adam's face paled, and he immediately shut up. Harley grinned. Little did she know how prophetic her words were about to become.


	7. Chapter 7

"Jervis, it has to be ready now!" exclaimed Crane, as the van screeched to a stop and the Joker climbed out.

"Just give me a few more minutes," muttered Tetch. "Go out there and stall him."

"Stall him?" repeated Crane. "How exactly do you propose I do that?"

"I don't know – you're meant to be clever, so think of something!" snapped Tetch.

Crane sighed, but raced out of the van after Joker, who was striding toward the door of a fancy hotel. "Joker, stop," he said, skidding to a halt in front of him.

"Get outta my way, nerd," snapped Joker, shoving him aside.

"I will not!" snapped Crane, stepping in front of him again. "I'm not going to let you crash this party and ruin Harley's relationship with her parents!"

"Oh yeah? And how are you gonna stop me?" demanded Joker. "I'm stronger than you, and I react very badly to people telling me what I'm not allowed to do, as you've already experienced."

"It doesn't matter what pain I go through," Crane retorted. "It's worth it for Harley. And God dammit, if you cared for her at all, you should feel the same!"

"Look, I don't expect you to understand what's it like to have pride!" snapped Joker. "But anyone with an ounce of self-respect is a little peeved when they're not invited to a party, and rightfully so! You've probably never been invited to a party your whole life, so this ain't a big deal for you, but it is for me! It's an insult to me, the Joker! And nobody insults the Joker without consequences! It would damage my reputation, and I can't make exceptions, not even for Harley."

"Then you're a terrible boyfriend," snapped Crane. "Who puts his own selfish pride and needs before her own! The very definition of love is putting someone else's needs before yours, so you can't love her at all!"

"Don't you dare tell me what I can and can't feel!" snapped Joker. "But this is a matter of principle! Harley will understand that."

"And if she doesn't?" demanded Crane. "And she's forced to choose between a relationship with you and a relationship with her parents?"

Joker snorted. "She'll choose me. She always chooses me."

"And do you want to force her to make that choice?" demanded Crane. "Because you will. You'll make her destroy one love to save the other, and that is utterly monstrous, no matter what the reason. Do you really want her parents to think she's in love with a monster?"

"They think that anyway!" snapped Joker. "Might as well live up to the expectation, doncha think? Give 'em the punchline already."

"Rather than prove you're the better man?" asked Crane.

"Well, I'm not," said Joker, shrugging.

"But you could be," said Crane. "Don't go in there. Let your pride take this one hit for her. It will impress her parents, and could change their opinion of you. And it will impress her."

"I don't care about impressing her, or her parents," retorted Joker. "Anyway, it would be wrong to give a false impression of myself, and that's what I'd be doing if I didn't go in there. I'd make them think I'm a nice, respectful guy, who's ok with not being invited to a party, which I'm not. You can't expect me to be dishonest and lie to them or Harley. What kinda crap relationship is built on lies? All I'm doing in going in there is being honest and truthful as to the kinda guy I am, and they say honesty and truth are the most important things in a relationship. You'd know that if you ever had one. Now get outta my way," he said, shoving him aside again.

"Oh God, Jervis, please get it online right now!" gasped Crane, as Joker opened the door to the hotel and stormed inside. Crane followed him as he strode across the lobby and towards the door of the function room.

"Sir, that's a private party, you can't go in there…" began a bellhop, hurrying over to him, and then froze in horror as he saw who the man he had stopped was. "My mistake – please go anywhere you like," he stammered.

"See, Johnny, that's how people should talk to me!" snapped Joker. "C'mere, pal," he said, beckoning the bellhop over. He obeyed slowly, trembling in terror. "Here's twenty bucks for you – go buy yourself something nice," said Joker. "People who respect me are rewarded. People who don't are beaten to a pulp, if they're lucky," he growled, glaring at Crane. Joker then kicked open the door.

Harley was clearly in the middle of a toast to her parents, and the expressions on their faces at seeing the Joker was shock on her mother's, and pure rage on her father's. Harley shared her mother's expression, frozen in horror, as were the rest of the guests, for the split second it took for them to process who had just entered the room. The instant they did, there was panic, as people jumped to their feet. Joker fired off a few rounds from his gun into the ceiling. "Nobody leaves!" he shouted. "Everyone just sit down! I'm not here to hurt anyone specifically, so if you try and make a break for it, I'll hurt you!"

"What the hell are you doing here?" demanded Mr. Quinzel, recovering first. "You were specifically not invited!"

"Don't think I don't know that!" shouted Joker. "And you expect me just to ignore that slight when you invite Harley and not me?!"

"Harley is our daughter!" shouted Mr. Quinzel. "You are a deranged lunatic who corrupts and abuses her mind and body!"

"Dad, stop…" began Harley.

"I won't stop!" roared Mr. Quinzel. "He's a disgusting bully who thinks the world revolves around him, with no consideration for anyone else! This is the day my wife and I are celebrating our family, of which you are no part of, and never will be!"

"Well, I'm really sorry to hear you say that, Mr. Quinzel," muttered Joker, reaching into his jacket for his gun. "And I think you're really gonna regret it."

"Mr. J, stop, please…" began Harley.

And surprisingly, he suddenly did, standing stock still and staring blankly ahead. "The mind control – it's working!" gasped Crane.

Nobody had noticed him during the Joker's grand entrance, so Crane hastily ducked behind a pillar and began whispering to the Joker. "Say the following sincerely…"

"Actually, I'm the one who's sorry," said Joker. "You're right – this event has nothing to do with me. I shouldn't have come all this way to crash it – it shows a total lack of respect for my girlfriend and her parents. I'm just a very proud man, arrogant to the point of madness, some would say, a complete egotist and narcissist, a bully, as you rightly stated," he said, nodding at Mr. Quinzel. "Like all bullies, this probably stems from some deep-rooted insecurity or fear of something I can't consciously acknowledge. I've written several papers on the fear-related causes behind bullying…uh…I mean, Professor Crane has. And when my pride is hurt, I do things that are unreasonable. But I am a lunatic, so I suppose that is to be expected. I'm sorry for interrupting your toast and your party – I'll just go now," he said, turning away.

"No, Joker, don't," said Mrs. Quinzel, hurrying over to him. "Won't you…um…please stay? Have a seat, please," she said, pulling out a chair for him. "Everyone, this is a very unexpected but pleasantly surprising guest – our daughter Harley's boyfriend, the Joker."

"The…the Joker?" stammered Aunt Ruth, looking absolutely horrified. "But…but that would mean Harley…"

"Yeah, I'm Harley Quinn, everyone," said Harley, addressing the room. "My parents thought it would be better that I told everyone I was still a doctor at Arkham so nobody would feel uncomfortable. But really there's no reason to feel uncomfortable. Me and Mr. J, we ain't so bad once you get to know us. Anyway, this ain't about us, it's about my Mom and Dad, who I was in the middle of toasting before I was so rudely interrupted. But since he's here now, maybe Mr. J would like to join me," she said, beckoning him. "C'mon, puddin', say something nice," she said, handing him a glass.

Crane gulped. "Say the following with feeling…" he murmured at Joker.

"Well…what can I say about thirty years of marriage?" said Joker. "It's…very impressive. I can't really…imagine what that must be like, to spend thirty years with someone…frankly, most people have never wanted to spend even thirty minutes with me."

There was nervous laughter from the audience at this. "It's very admirable," continued Crane, through Joker. "To be that committed to someone – it shows astonishing courage. To have total belief, faith, and trust in another human being is surely the bravest action in the world. A love like that…surely brings out the best in us. Just like my love for Harley brings out the best in me."

Crane drew in a deep breath. "Now put your arm around her and continue," he muttered, and Joker obeyed.

"Harley makes me the man I want to be," he murmured. "There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, because just seeing her smile is worth more than anything else in the world. She makes me my better self, and I know the same must be true for you spending thirty years together. When you're alone you can start to feel very self-centered and selfish – your life can seem very mean and petty sometimes. But when you have someone you love inspiring you to be a better person, you want to make them happy. And suddenly life doesn't seem so dark or frightening. It gives you a purpose, an unselfishness, which, while I have yet to master it myself…I want so very much to try to, for Harley's sake. More than anything else, I just want to be the man worthy of her love. Because to earn someone's love must be the most wonderful feeling in the world…as you both well know. Those who have found it are the luckiest people in the world. And I can only hope our relationship will be just as enduring, loving, and happy as yours thirty years from now. To Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel," he said, raising his glass.

Everyone stared at him in utter astonishment, Harley most of all. She had never heard Joker more sincere, and he was saying nice things about her. Something was not right.

"Well…thank you, Joker, for that wonderful and moving toast," said Mrs. Quinzel. "I…honestly didn't know you had it in you."

"Yeah…puddin', that's probably the nicest thing I've ever heard you say," said Harley. "Are you feeling ok?"

She suddenly saw a movement by the door – it was Jervis Tetch signaling to someone behind a pillar next to them. She looked over and saw Crane gesturing back to him, and her brain put it together.

"Well, let's drink up, everyone," said Mrs. Quinzel. "And enjoy the rest of the party."

Harley instantly left the table and came over to the pillar, where Tetch had joined Crane. Tetch was muttering, "Yes, of course I locked the door this time..."

"Hi, Johnny," Harley said.

"Harley! Jervis and I just…happened to be in the neighborhood and…we were...just leaving..."

"Johnny, you can stop," said Harley. "I know one of you is mind-controlling Mr. J."

"You…you do?" stammered Crane.

"Well, yeah," she said, shrugging. "First of all, he stopped being violent for no reason – that ain't like him. And second of all, he'd never say anything that nice or sincere in public, in front of all these people. Let me guess – he was hell bent on crashing this party as revenge for not being invited, and this was the only way you could think to stop him."

"Well…yes, that's it exactly," conceded Crane. "You know him too well."

"I do," sighed Harley, smiling lovingly at Joker, who was just staring blankly at his glass. "So…was it you who said all those nice things about me?" she asked, turning back to Crane.

"Yes, I…just said what I thought would sound…sweet and romantic," stammered Crane. "Just random things that popped into my head, not specifically directed at you…"

"I just didn't know you were such a good actor," said Harley, smiling at him.

"Actor, yes…acting is exactly what I was doing," agreed Crane. "Didn't mean a word of it, of course – just acting."

"And you probably saved my relationship with my parents," added Harley. "Mom, Dad, come over here a second!" she called, beckoning them over. "You remember Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch?"

"Oh yes, your lunatic friends," said Mrs. Quinzel, smiling at them. "I'm sorry, is it offensive to call you lunatics?" she asked.

"No offense in the truth, madam," replied Tetch, removing his hat. "Our most sincere congratulations on your wedding anniversary."

"Thank you. Are you married, Mr. Tetch?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"No, but I'm sincerely hoping the woman I adore with every fiber of my being will eventually return my affection if I wait long enough and become the man she desires," said Tetch.

"Join the club," muttered Crane.

"I…see," said Mrs. Quinzel. "Well, may I ask what you two are doing here? Not that you aren't welcome, but we seem to be quite a magnet for unexpected guests."

"We…um…were tasked by Harley to sort of…keep an eye on the Joker," said Crane, slowly. "So that's what we were doing."

"We did try to prevent him from showing up at all, but through a series of unfortunate events for which no one was at fault, he managed to escape our watchful care," said Tetch. "Fortunately he hasn't done as much damage as we or Harley feared he might."

"Yeah, I gotta say, I wasn't expecting him to act the way he did," admitted Mr. Quinzel, grudgingly. "Admitting he was wrong and publicly and genuinely confessing his feelings for Harley…perhaps he's…not as horrible as I've been led to believe."

"Why doncha tell him that yourself?" said Harley. "Mr. J, c'mere!"

He didn't obey, just continued to stare at his glass. "Um…Joker, please come over here!" called Crane.

Joker instantly obeyed. "Whatever else can be said about you, Joker, and there's a lot...I do believe that your feelings for my daughter are genuine, so that redeems you somewhat," said Mr. Quinzel.

Joker said nothing, staring blankly at him. "Say thank you," snapped Crane.

"Thank you," said Joker, flatly.

"I'm sure Mr. J is flattered, but I know he'd really appreciate it if you didn't mention this little incident to anyone," said Harley, taking his arm. "Or indeed, ever speak of it again, even in private. He has got a reputation as a ruthless supercriminal to preserve, and let's face it, anyone calling himself the Joker can't be seen to ever be sincere. Actually, you should probably spread the word around the guests that none of this is to leave this room."

"And how exactly are we supposed to stop people from talking about this?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

"Just tell 'em Mr. J will kill 'em," said Harley, shrugging. "Because he will if it gets out, and the ways he'll kill 'em won't be pretty."

"Funny, for a moment there, I almost forgot what a monster he is," sighed Mr. Quinzel. "But thanks for reminding me, Harley."

"Yeah, but he's my monster," purred Harley, kissing Joker's cheek. "And maybe he's no good for me, but he makes me happy. And wouldn't you say that's part of the key for a thirty year marriage?"

Mr. and Mrs. Quinzel shared a look. "Yeah, I guess it is," agreed Mr. Quinzel, grudgingly.

"Harley, I just can't believe you lied to me," said Aunt Ruth, coming over to them with Uncle Herschel in tow. "You'd think you could be honest with your family of all people."

"After Uncle Herschel said criminals should be shot in the street?" asked Harley. "You can kinda see why I was reluctant."

"Well, if I had known we had criminals in the family, I never woulda said that," said Uncle Herschel. "Certainly not out loud anyway."

"So this is the famous Joker," said Aunt Ruth, smiling at him. "Can you tell me what you're always so happy about? You're always laughing, and I was wondering what your secret is."

Harley, Crane, and Tetch all shared a look. "Uh…Joker, why don't you tell her your secret?" asked Crane.

"I sometimes worry that Batman prefers fighting other criminals to me," said Joker. "And that one day he might dump me as his nemesis, and then I'd have nothing left to live for. Also, one time I was mad, and while Harley was out, I destroyed her Disney princess doll collection, and I blamed it on the hyenas."

"I knew it!" exclaimed Harley, triumphantly. "I knew my precious babies would never have destroyed my dolls! And you made me halve their meals for a week as punishment!"

"Also, one time I had a series of erotic dreams about Batman," continued Joker. "I'm pretty sure they didn't mean anything though. And once I tried on Harley's underwear, and was a little turned on by myself. And another time, I came across Batman and Batgirl on a rooftop doing something they probably shouldn't be doing in public, but I kept watching. Also…"

"Ok, that's enough secrets," interrupted Crane. "You see, typical Joker, never just one answer, or backstory, or secret. He's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma."

"He's the Riddler too?" asked Aunt Ruth. "I always get the Riddler and the Joker confused anyway, so maybe that explains why. They both wear green and purple, so I guess it's obvious when you think about it."

"No, puddin's not the Riddler, Aunt Ruth," said Harley. "And I don't think he's feeling too good, so maybe you two can take him someplace to recover?" asked Harley, pointedly, at Crane and Tetch.

"Yes, of course, my dear – come along, Joker," said Crane, as Joker followed him and Tetch obediently back toward the van.

"Is it just me, or was he acting a little strange?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

"He's the Joker, dear," replied Mrs. Quinzel. "He's supposed to act strange."

"I think he's just got a little cold – he'll sleep it off," said Harley. "Anyway, we're ignoring the other guests, who have miraculously stayed. Shall we rejoin the party?"

"Yes, I can't wait to brag to everyone about my notorious niece," said Aunt Ruth. "I doubt any of them have any famous family members – it'll certainly give us something to talk about over brunch at the country club!"

"Harley, wait a second," said Mr. Quinzel, catching her arm as the others headed back to see to the guests. "You asked me a question before we sat down, and I didn't answer you. It was about me being proud of you."

"Don't worry about it, Dad – I lost my temper and was being snippy," said Harley. "You don't have to answer…"

"But I want to," he said. He took a deep breath. "Look, you and I…are very different people. Our priorities and outlook on life and even our moral centers are clearly not in alignment. But when I think that you were able to inspire the Joker of all people to say those things about you…then yeah, I'm proud. I'm proud that you could influence an otherwise heartless man in that way. I'm proud that you keep following your heart despite what everyone else says, me included. But most of all, I'm proud that you're my daughter, who I love despite everything. And I know I don't always show it or say it enough, but…your mother said it best. Raising you was the best thing we ever did. It's certainly the greatest achievement of my life."

Harley beamed as tears came to her eyes. "I love you too, Dad," she said, hugging him. "Now no more stalling – let's get back to the guests," she said, dragging him away.

"You know me too well, Harley," he muttered.

"Well...your boyfriend seems...nice," commented Adam, as Harley sat back down.

"Yeah, he is," agreed Harley, taking her glass again. "I mean, he can be, sometimes, when he's in the mood, or being controlled by other people."

"What?" asked Adam.

"Nothing," said Harley. "Nothing at all."


	8. Chapter 8

"I think that went rather well, all things considered," commented Tetch, when he, Crane, and Joker were safely in the back of the van. "Disaster averted."

"If you say so," muttered Crane.

"Why are you so glum?" asked Tetch, puzzled. "I thought everything went the way you wanted. Harley certainly wasn't disappointed in you."

"She thought I was acting, Jervis," muttered Crane. "I told her how I truly felt, through Joker, and she thought I was just making it up, as if I could improvise feelings like that. The great irony is although she knows it wasn't him who said those things, she doesn't believe I meant them either."

"And that's the joke, pal," spoke up Joker, beaming suddenly.

They both stared at him. "You…how did you break the mind control?" stammered Tetch.

"I hate to break it to you, boys, but I wasn't under mind control," retorted Joker. "I spent all of the drive up here listening to you idiots in the back talking about how you mind controlled me this afternoon. Now see, normally I can block that kinda control if I know it's coming – my mind is pretty special, y'know. Can't be so easily tamed if I ain't caught off guard, but I was distracted by my work earlier. Anyway, when I showed up at the party, I fully intended to crash it, but then I remembered you were still hoping to get that mind control working, and I thought the better gag was to pretend I was still under it, let you pour out your heart to Harley, and have her think it was me. It woulda been a great joke on you even without Harley figuring out the mind control gag and thinking you acted the whole thing, but that's actually made it even funnier. And by funnier, I mean more painful for you, which is funny for me."

"So…you just repeated everything I said in order to humiliate me," said Crane, slowly.

"Yep, pretty clever, huh?" chuckled Joker. "And the whole time you were thinking you were controlling me! I think that's quite a gag!"

"You'd risk people thinking you can be genuinely caring and affectionate towards Harley just to humiliate me?" asked Crane.

"Well, yeah," said Joker, shrugging. "It's like Harley said – if anyone blabs, I'll kill 'em. And nobody is gonna trust the word of a buncha randomers who claim the Joker was being sincere anyway. People will just think they're crazy."

"What if somebody filmed it?" asked Tetch. "On their telephone, for instance? Such things are common, I'm told."

"You can claim it's doctored footage," said Joker, waving his hand. "Go on YouTube sometime and watch people argue over the moon landing. People believe everything is falsified. It's just part of the skeptical age in which we live, full of all kinds of fake news. Although you'd honestly think people who live in a universe where we have alien superheroes would be a little more open-minded…"

"What about those secrets you told?" asked Crane.

Joker snorted. "Right, like I'd actually tell anyone any real secrets I have. I made all those up, for the most part, but I ain't telling you which ones were real and which were fake. Anyway, I ain't really a secretive guy – I'm pretty much an open book. You can ask me anything, and I'll give you an answer. It might not be the truth, but the truth is kinda overrated anyway, if you ask me."

"I don't believe you," snapped Tetch. "The machine is working properly, and I've never met anyone yet who could block its power."

"Well, there's nobody out there like me, Tetchy," retorted Joker. "I'm a pretty unique test subject, and I react very badly to people trying to control me, either mentally or physically."

"But wouldn't you actually have found it funnier to crash the party?" asked Crane.

"Well, it was a choice between pissing off Harley and her parents, or pissing off you," replied Joker. "And it's more fun to annoy the person I like least. Frankly, it was kinda a no brainer in your case. Quality of jokes is more important than quantity of jokes, you know, and this little trick has ruined your day much more than me crashing the party ever could have. You witty types would probably call it ironic – you couldn't bear to disappoint Harley by not keeping me under control, but the result of you thinking you could control me was even worse for you. There's a lesson in that, probably. Though I'm not really about the lessons – I'm about the pranking people, and I got you good!"

He laughed hysterically, and was suddenly punched in the face by Crane. "Jonathan, don't fight him in here!" exclaimed Tetch, trying to separate them. "There's some very expensive equipment!"

"Everyone ok out here?" asked Harley, opening the door to the van suddenly. "Why, Mr. J, you're back," she said, surprised when she saw Joker holding Crane in a headlock and punching him repeatedly.

"I never left, pooh," said Joker, dropping Crane and beaming. "I just told the boys, I only pretended to be mind-controlled. It was all an act."

"Why?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Didn't you come all this way to crash the party as revenge for not being invited?"

"Yeah, I did," agreed Joker. "But then I saw you, surrounded by your parents, and I realized I didn't wanna break up that happy family. So to save face after barging in there, I pretended to be mind-controlled. But all those things I said, I really said 'em, baby. For you."

Harley stared at him. "You…you really did?" she stammered.

"No, he didn't!" snapped Crane. "I said them, and he just repeated them, mind-controlled or not!"

"So why would Mr. J say those things?" asked Harley. "Where's the joke in that?"

Joker smiled at Crane, who realized he couldn't tell her what the joke was without revealing his feelings for her. The joke was in his own suffering at having said those things to her sincerely, but to have Joker take credit for them. And the only way he could reveal the joke was by revealing that his feelings for her were sincere.

"I…don't know," stammered Crane.

"Now would I ever do anything like that if it wasn't a joke?" asked Joker, turning back to Harley and smiling. "The joke was you expected me to crash the party when I showed up, pooh, but instead I was all sweet and romantic. Quite the joke on you, huh? Totally subverted your expectations."

"Yeah, I…guess it did," agreed Harley, slowly. "But that ain't your usual kind of joke. They're usually more cruel, or harmful to other people."

"Can't a guy do a nice thing for a change?" asked Joker, shrugging.

"Of course he can," said Harley. She beamed. "Oh, puddin', I love you!" she exclaimed, leaping into his arms and kissing him repeatedly.

"If you're in the mood for something naughty, pooh, we should sneak back to your parents' house and have a little playtime while they're out at the party," said Joker, smiling at her. "We could maybe do a little roleplay – how about the teenager and the stranger?"

"Oh, we couldn't do that, Mr. J," said Harley, grinning, and she continued in an even more high-pitched voice than usual. "I couldn't possibly let you in. I'm not allowed to have boys over when my parents aren't home."

"Well, I ain't a boy, toots," growled Joker. "I'm a man. And tonight, I'm gonna make you feel like a woman."

Harley giggled as Joker lifted her off her feet and carried her out of the van, kicking the door shut. "Right, let's get the hell out of here," muttered Crane. "I want to make it home before it gets too late so I can terrorize some Gotham citizens during peak nightlife hours. Maybe that will cheer me up."

"Yes, and I want to work on this mind control device some more," said Tetch. "I don't like the fact that it doesn't work on certain insane brain types – that's mostly all you'll find in Gotham. It needs to be a one size madness fits all thing."

Tetch left Crane in the back as he went around to the driver's seat and started the engine. Suddenly, the door to the back of the van opened, and Harley reappeared.

"Harley," said Crane, shocked. "I thought you and the Joker were…occupied."

"Yeah, he's waiting impatiently outside," said Harley. "But it didn't seem right to just head off and leave you like that, not after all the trouble you went through looking after Mr. J. I know what a handful he can be, and I just wanted to thank you properly."

"Well, it was…no trouble, Harley," said Crane.

"You're a terrible liar, Johnny," retorted Harley with a grin.

"Well, yes, I suppose it was quite a bit of trouble," agreed Crane. "But…as long as you're happy, it was worth it."

Harley smiled at him. "Look, I know it was a huge ask," she said. "And I swear I'll make it up to you somehow. I hate to think I'm taking advantage of my friends or their feelings for me."

"I don't know what feelings those would be," said Crane, hastily.

"Sure you do," said Harley, frowning. "Feelings of friendship. We are friends, ain't we, Johnny?"

Crane nodded slowly. "Yes, my dear," he said. "We are that. And we always will be."

Harley beamed, and hugged him tightly. "Thanks again, Johnny," she said. "I'll see you back in Gotham."

She skipped off, shutting the door behind her. "We always will be friends," repeated Crane. "And nothing more. It's about time I got that through my thick skull."

"You know, for what it's worth, Jonathan, I sometimes think true friendship is rarer than true love," commented Tetch from the front. "And certainly in both of our cases, more substantial and meaningful."

"How do you mean?" asked Crane.

"Well, since both of our romances are confined to our heads, they're not very substantial," said Tetch. "And even in normal relationships, romance can be such a fleeting thing, and laced with uncertainty. And in a romantic relationship, very often you're attracted to the superficial, like physical appearance, say, and the promise of taking advantage of that in some way. But with friendship, there's no such promise or superficiality. You're together because you genuinely enjoy each other's company, and you don't worry about if it's all superficial. Friendship can be stronger, stabler, and more dependable because you know your friends care about you as a person, warts and all. And in a way, isn't that a more meaningful relationship than an idealized romance which could fizzle out and die?"

"I suppose," agreed Crane, with a sigh.

"Think about it this way," said Tetch. "If Harley and Joker ever break up, they probably won't be on speaking terms in the future. But you and Harley always will. You'll always have her company, as long as you want it, and the same could not be certain if you were romantically involved. Those affairs of the heart, once over, can end very badly and acrimoniously, so I'm told. While friendships comparatively never do. Having said that, if you ever make me have to deal with the Joker again, our friendship will be severed instantly and very acrimoniously."

"Noted," sighed Crane. "I won't mention the unlocked door again if you don't ever mention this whole weekend again."

"Deal," agreed Tetch.


	9. Chapter 9

The next afternoon, there was a knock on the door of Crane and Tetch's flat. "Tell whoever it is to go away – I have a massive headache, and I blame your mind control device, Jervis!" snapped Crane from his room. "It's probably been sending out all sorts of damaging electromagnetic waves!"

"It's perfectly safe, I assure you – I never would have tested it on humans if it wasn't," muttered Tetch, heading toward the front door. "Indeed, I never would have tested it on animals if it wasn't, though honestly I'm not sure which one the Joker is."

He opened the door. "Speak of the devil," he commented. "You're both back. How did the rest of the evening go?"

"Well, not to kiss and tell, Tetchy, but it was some pretty fabulous roleplaying…" began Joker.

"Puddin', he meant the party," said Harley, elbowing him. "It went great, Jervis. I had Mr. J hidden away in my room before my folks came back, and they went straight to bed. And then this morning Mr. J snuck out before they even realized he was there. It all went off without a hitch."

"Oh, I didn't realize your parents would have been uncomfortable with him staying the night," said Tetch.

"Oh yeah," said Harley, nodding. "They would have flipped. They're kinda from an older generation who don't believe in couples sharing rooms before they're married…plus Dad would probably be paranoid that Mr. J was gonna steal something."

"Yeah, no offense to your parents, Harley, but they ain't got anything worth stealing," said Joker, shaking his head. "I can see where you get your taste for cheap and tacky."

"Now Mr. J, that ain't a nice way to talk about yourself," said Harley with a grin. "Anyway, is Johnny here, Jervis?" she asked, turning back to him. "I got him a present to say thanks for looking in on Mr. J while I was gone."

"He has a headache, which I doubt will be helped by the Joker's presence," said Tetch. "But do come in. Jonathan, it's the clowns!"

"Yes, well, you'll have to excuse me – I have a headache!" called Crane from his room.

"It'll only take a second!" called Harley. "I brought you a present!"

There was a sigh, and Crane entered the living room. "That's very thoughtful of you, Harley, but really not necessary," said Crane. "The greatest present of all would be not having to see the Joker for a very long time."

"Well, I guess that can also be part of your present," said Harley. "I can't imagine I'll ever leave Mr. J again for any reason, unless he kicks me out or something. And then I wouldn't want you watching him because I'd probably be pretty mad at him and think he deserves whatever he gets. Anyway, here's your present," she said, holding out a wrapped gift to him in a very familiar shape.

"A book," said Crane, identifying it before he even opened it.

"A special book," said Harley, nodding. "I made it myself before I left for the weekend."

Puzzled, Crane unwrapped it, to see the title _Friends For Life_. "It's a photo album," explained Harley. "Of all the pictures I've taken of us together over the years. Thought it might bring back some good memories."

"Oh…yes," stammered Crane. "There's that time we all broke out of Arkham together and Joker left me behind claiming the getaway car was full when it was just you two in it…and here's us in Arkham, with the Joker giving me bunny ears, how delightful. And here's…"

"That was Jervis's Wonderland themed birthday party," said Harley. "Remember I went as Alice?"

"I remember I was hugely offended by it," muttered Tetch under his breath.

"And there you are in your Jabberwocky costume before Mr. J destroyed it," said Harley, pointing. "See? All kindsa good memories!"

"Mostly involving Joker being annoying," agreed Crane.

"It's what I do best!" chuckled Joker. "Well, unless you ask Harley, of course. She'll say that's something else," he added with a grin.

"Thank you, Harley, it's hugely thoughtful," said Crane, sincerely. "You clearly went through a lot of effort."

"Hey, anything for a friend," said Harley, smiling and hugging him. "Well, we'll leave you to recover from your headache," she said. "Mr. J and I need to get home to the babies."

"Yes, with their fondness for chewing wires, you'd better hope they haven't chewed through the wires on your spying machine," commented Tetch.

"Shut up, runt!" snapped Joker.

"What spying machine?" asked Harley, confused.

"Your necklace," said Tetch, nodding at her. "It's a location tracker and recording device. That's how Joker located you, and he was eavesdropping on you ever since you left."

"Is that true, puddin'?" demanded Harley, rounding on him.

"I was…concerned, pooh," said Joker, slowly. "I didn't want anything to happen to you..."

"You tracked my location, and spied on me behind my back?" asked Harley in disbelief. Then she suddenly beamed. "Oh puddin', you do care!" she cried, leaping into his arms. "It's the most romantic thing ever! You couldn't bear for us to be separated, so you eavesdropped on me just so you wouldn't have to be parted from me for a single second!"

"Yeah…that's right, pumpkin pie!" said Joker, cheerfully. "And so if I heard any guys chatting you up, I could kill 'em horribly!"

"Oh puddin', you know just what to say!" sighed Harley. "I never get tired of you threatening to kill people for me – it's just adorable! Now let's go home so I can thank you properly for keeping such a close eye on your Harley girl," she said, taking his hand and leading him out the door.

Joker turned to wink at Crane and Tetch. "Thanks, boys, I owe ya. Enjoy your Friendzone for Life book, Craney!"

His hysterical laughter was diminished by Tetch slamming the door. "Don't listen to him, Jonathan," he said. "It's a very thoughtful gift."

"It is," agreed Crane, flipping through it. "Despite the Joker's inevitable presence. And here's one without him," he said, finding a page and smiling. "Harley took what I believe is termed a selfie when we both happened to be crashing the same Victorian Antique exhibit at the museum. She was stealing the Joker a creepy clown doll as a surprise, and I was after some memento mori. See the skulls?" he asked, holding the book up to Tetch.

"Yes, delightful," said Tetch, sarcastically.

"Well, it was for us," said Crane, smiling down at the photo where both he and Harley were smiling, her arm around his neck. Harley had written underneath it, _Best Co-Robbers Ever! Go Team Jonley!_

"What does that mean?" asked Tetch, reading it.

"I believe it's the amalgamation of both our names together – Jonathan and Harley," said Crane. "Such things are apparently done these days on the internet or something."

"I thought it was used for couples," said Tetch.

"Well, a man can dream," agreed Crane.

"And knowing the internet, they probably will," commented Tetch.

"This is not to be shared with the internet," retorted Crane. "This is a special gift that Harley has given me, a special, one of a kind gift that she put a lot of effort into, collecting the photos and writing captions and scrapbooking together…"

He trailed off. "And here's one of us before it all went wrong," he murmured. "At the University, me as a professor and Harley as my student."

"Goodness, Jonathan, what were you wearing?" asked Tetch, glancing at the photo.

"I'll have you know, jackets with elbow patches are very fashionable for professors!" snapped Crane.

He read the caption: _My best teacher ever, and the first friend who understood and cared. Thanks for always being there for me, Johnny. I'll always be here for you too.  
_

"That would have been lovely if Joker hadn't added, 'in the Friendzone,' to it," commented Tetch, pointing.

"Yes. Fortunately, I still have a lot of white-out on hand from my teaching days," sighed Crane, entering his room to get it.

 **The End**


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